Published on September 1st, 2016 | by admin

From British Bombshell to Boyish Brat – The New Lara Croft sucks

The new Lara Croft looks like shit and it has ruined the Tomb Raider series.

You know… The Lara Croft who stars in 2015’s Rise of the Tomb Raider? Yes, that one. She looks like crap, and yes, I am TOTALLY judging my impression of the game on her appearance.

She feels less like Lara Croft in Tomb Raider and more like Ellen Page’s estranged cousin in a Beyond: Two Souls sequel. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just not Lara Croft.

“Lara Croft” is thrilled about her new look.

This article may offend some of you, but I’m just not sorry. I love women of all shapes, sizes and personalities, but there is nothing wrong with having a sexy lead character. Nor is there anything wrong with wanting to play a video game starring a sexy lead character.

Corporations are running scared of offended people. There are many types of offended people in the internet age, but in this case, Square Enix crippled Lara Croft’s appearance (and sexiness) to appease a minority who don’t feel as pretty as Lara Croft.

Low self-esteem over a drawing.

Common sense suggests that I don’t need to go over this, but here goes: Rating yourself against video game characters is absolutely ridiculous. Video games are all about escaping into fantasy scenarios that you will never encounter in real life. That’s the appeal of video games.

Meanwhile in the land of reality, low self-esteem is life. Why do you think I write about video games behind a keyboard all day? Unfortunately we can’t all be Justin Beiber and Megan Fox, who I’m sure have their own insecurities.

Tomb Raider? Looks more like a teenage Disney movie.

I’ve played every Tomb Raider since I was a kid, and have seen Lara Croft undergo many transitions after those 18+ years of gaming. None have been as horribly wrong as the most recent installment, Rise of the Tomb Raider. The transitions have become more ‘realistic’ over the years as technology has improved. But the problem here isn’t realism as much as it is identity and – yes – sex appeal.

We questioned and forgave Square Enix for giving Lara Croft a boob size reduction in the amazing 2013 Tomb Raider reboot, on the understanding that the story was a prequel and she was therefore younger.  Also, she still had the same appeal she’s always had since her inception in 1996.

So what’s wrong with her appeal today, you ask?

Lara Croft has always been an icon of a strong and sexy woman. I don’t understand how giving her a boyish body shape, swapping muscle for body fat, further shrinking her boobs and munting her face with a manly chin is helping anyone feel better about anything. In other words; I don’t understand how giving an established female icon “masculine characteristics” makes her a better or stronger representative for women. If anything, these moves just endorse masculinity.

Who the hell is this supposed to be?

There’s no denying my take here is incredibly shallow, but this had to be said. It was actually annoying me the entire playthrough. I’ll take the heat for playing the chauvinistic prick, but I’m just typing how most of us feel and are too afraid to say.

For the first time ever I regret pre-ordering Rise of the Tomb Raider and purchasing the guide, the artbook and other accessories in advance.

From here, Square Enix can naively continue down this path, watching fans quietly walk away from the series. Or they could ignore the offended minority – who were never buying the game anyway – and restore this amazing heroine as the realistic, sexy and strong character they tapped into with the Xbox 360/PS3 version of 2013’s Tomb Raider.

It is not unrealistic to be sexy.

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